The New Happy

Keren wrote about realizing how happy she has become to be Charlie's mom after their difficult start. This reminded me of something that helped me get through the first weeks of adjusting to a new family member.

We had planned and hoped for a baby for a while before Elanor came along. The first two thirds of the pregnancy was pretty rough. I know there were moments (bent over the toilet or breathing deeply attempting to not be in that position) where I questioned how worthwhile this process was. But when I started to feel her move around inside me, it became more fun to think about how she was growing and get a sense of the small person who was being nourished and sheltered there. I'm grateful to have had a fairly easy end of pregnancy and, while labor was long, I always knew that it was going to be a finite and relatively short period. I hope that I never forget the incredible high of giving birth with Jonathan and seeing Elanor for the first time.

Then we brought her home.

Now Elanor was not a hard baby. She ate appropriately (after the initial adjustment period), cried when she was uncomfortable or tired, seemed happy to be held and slept a normal amount for a baby of her age.

But as some friends of ours very kindly put it, even a normal newborn is hard.

To make matters a little more interesting, one of our cats had gotten himself into some serious trouble while we were gone having the baby and needed several weeks of close observation, vet visits (culminating in surgery) and special care. Jonathan took over this responsibility while I was in charge of Ellie-care. All of my imagining of special cuddle time with the three of us or chats with Jonathan while Ellie slept in my arms were blown away by sheer exhaustion and the separation of having to each care for different, needy creatures.

All of this, in addition to that lovely postpartum hormonal crash, created this sense of horror about our new life. We had been happy with just the two of us, hadn't we? What had we been thinking to change things and bring this new complication into our lives? Had we ruined everything?

The breakthrough came with a realization that birth is a longer and more complicated process than I had realized. Our old happiness had left and was irrecoverable in its previous form. I had hoped for a new kind of happiness--that of expanding our family--but I realized that I didn't really know what that was going to look like and even the glimmers of it that I was able to imagine hadn't arrived yet.

That time between the death of the old happiness and the birth of the new was much longer and harder than labor.

However, as my hormones started to settle down and Maxwell got better, Jonathan was able to spend some time with Elanor and me and we were able to have a few moments that looked just a little bit like the picture of our new family that I had imagined.

There is something wonderful about seeing your husband croon over his tiny daughter. It turns out that a walk through the grocery store with the baby asleep in the wrap can be romantic. Sharing your baby's first smiles is just as thrilling as watching a glorious sunset at the end of a ferry ride.

As Elanor and our family embark on the fourth month of this new adventure, caring for her has gotten a little more complicated as her needs and pace of development increase. But this is usually balanced by more of these moments of the new happy.

Getting up with her at night sometimes can be a special cozy time for us now that she smiles when she sees me and snuggles a little before I put her back to bed. It also helps that we're down to twice a night too.

Changing her diaper is a time for singing and finger games.

It only takes me half an hour to walk to the library and Elanor does tummy time even better outside on the grass in the backyard while I hang laundry or weed the flower beds.

Sharing her coos and giggles with Jonathan is as delightful as sharing a movie.

A casual date for ice cream or coffee is just as satisfying right now as a date for dinner and a concert.

And, of course, sleep makes EVERYTHING better.